What If?
by ashleigh.ohyeah
Summary: As in the book, Kate is alive. But Kate imagines what her family's lives would be like if she was the one to die, and a series of POV's ensues... Inspired by the film's ending, but explored more!
1. Kate Preface

**ALL CHARACTERS ETC. BELONG TO JODI PICOULT**

**Hi all. :)  
****I'm new to this…**

**And I know it's short, but it's a kind of preface thing, setting the tone for the rest of the story.  
Plus, I really wanted to be Kate for a while :)**

**But I hope you like it.**

**I got the idea from the film's ending, which was outrageous! But anyway, I wrote this because the idea kind of grew on me, and I wanted to try out my writing skills. AND I love this story so…  
****SO BE NICE! **

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"My name's Kate Fitzgerald and I am a cancer survivor."

This is a wonderful sentence. It's something people like to hear; they like to know that someone was able to fight a battle against a disease that has taken down so many brave soldiers. It suggests to its audience that I, with all my might, attacked a metaphorical monster living within myself. However, that is not the case. Because I didn't fight for my life. I'd given up, resigned myself to the idea that I'd be dead by now. But here I am…

***

One Tuesday morning, sunlight tiptoes from beneath the horizon, throwing a kaleidoscope of fire-orange across the Earth's surface. There is a slight breeze, which provides relief from the heat hugging twilight America.

I'm lying on my favourite beach towel - bought by my Mom on sale before we visited Hawaii years ago - trailing my fingers along the ghastly scar that stretches from my hip to my belly button. It tickles. Whenever I do this, I hear Anna's laugh, or the way she said 'hippopotamus' when she was three, or the stutter that she got over on her sixth birthday. And I smile because I'm glad that she never leaves me.

Having a slumber party at the beach had always been something Anna wanted us to do. So it's become ritual that I lay in my best bikini, waiting for the sun to fully rise, talking to my sister about what's new in my life. She always listens…

For a while, I was stuck in a limbo. It was too painful to try and remember things about her, but I was equally as terrified to forget them. I used to be afraid to even fall asleep, in case I evoked something subconsciously, or conjured up a false memory. I was scared that I'd forget which ones really happened. For about a year after she died, I rarely even spoke her name; I hardly ever spoke at all. But Jesse told me that Anna couldn't have stayed quiet for as long as I had; it would've been impossible for her. So, I decided that I would let the world know everything there is to know about Anna Fitzgerald, and about how she should be sainted.

And for anyone who asks about the surviving cancer deal, I say: My sister was the one who fought for my life, not me. She was the one who was always smiling and laughing, as though we were on a day trip every time she and Jesse were dragged out of bed and brought with to the hospital. When Mom explained to Anna, when she was old enough to understand, about how and why she was born, she just said "Anything for Kate". When I asked Anna to betray our parents, and go against everything she'd ever promised me, she complied graciously. But I regret it. If I had never asked Anna to go through the motions of emancipation, she'd never have met Campbell, never have gotten into his car; she'd still be here, and I'd be watching her grow up; have the life she never got to with me around. Because, before, I couldn't even imagine the world without Anna in it. Like, at all. I wish it was me that died, instead of her. Because I know now, it had to have been one of us. I know it's like torture but, sometimes late at night, I wonder: "What if it had been me that died?"

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**Remember...it is a preface, and I'm easing myself into Jodi Picoult's writing style.  
So, ****PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE comment. Any words of wisdom are welcomed.**

**Thank youuuuu. **

**xxx**


	2. Anna

**Hello fellows,**

**Right, I've got some s'plaining to do...  
Kate's chapter is what happens after the book's ending, while this is what happens straight after  
Anna leaves the hospital in the film.  
It's Kate thinking about the different scenarios that would have happened had she died.**

**So, if there are any queries, ASK + ye shall be answered :)**

**Enjoy!**

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Anna

When I was younger, we used to watch this show on television before school. Me and Kate, we loved it. It was a generic show, with fluffy animations of household pets, and morals at the end of each story. It was great! In one of the episodes, a bunny lost its way from the rest of its family. A whole kerfuffle ensued. The moral of that story was something along the lines of: Stranger danger! But, I personally think kids' shows are open to many interpretations and the moral that I took away from that particular episode was this: You're never really lost, because getting lost only means starting a new adventure. Pretty deep for a seven year old, right? It has always stuck with me; it's like one of my life mottos.

I think the only reason I remember that day so well is because it was the first time Kate almost died. Well, not really, but it was bad! And I was really worried for her, like a good sister should be, but I had a Spanish test that day and my teacher said I could not afford to miss it.

_Miss Malone said the test made up half my grade! What if I miss it? What if I fail this year and have to re-do the whole thing? What if I'm in second grade 'til I'm 20?_

I couldn't help these thoughts crossing my mind, just as much as I couldn't believe that I was actually being that selfish. But the last question that crept through my brain was the worst: _What if Kate isn't alive when I'm 20?_

That day, I learnt two things. One, to make the most out of every minute I have with my sister, instead of thinking about stupid kids' shows. And two, I'm the most selfish person on Earth.

And from that moment, I decided that I would do whatever I could to make Kate happy. Because happiness is the best feeling in the world, and I thought it might just be enough to keep her with me.

***

My dad, Jesse and I are on the way home; we've just left the hospital and Mom stayed with Kate. I'm sitting in the back of the car, and I feel like I should say something because we're all silent.

It's been a rough couple of weeks. But today was kind of a breakthrough, because the truth came out about the emancipation. It means that I can stop having to act like the bad guy; like I am selfish enough to sue my parents for something whose outcome would be my own sister's death. I hope this thing's just gonna work itself out, the whole lawsuit thing. I think it might, because Mom seemed less mad when we left. It could have been an act though, because the whole family came out to the hospital and we ate pizza and talked to Kate a lot about when she was younger. My uncle kept saying "You've gotta just think that you're going to get better. Picture it in your mind, and it will come true." And I could tell that we all thought "I hope so" at the same time.

Tomorrow, when we go back to the hospital, I'm giving Kate my kidney. I know she doesn't want it, but I'm too selfish to let her go. Secretly, I'm hoping that she'll give up this charade of wanting to die. I don't want to lose my sister! So, if keeping her means sacrificing my organs, then that's what I'll do. I'd do just about anything. I look at my dad over the dinner table, and I realise he's thinking the same thing.

I really love my dad, because he supported me throughout this; he was on my side during this thing, even though my side didn't really exist.

***

I've just been woken up by the shrill ringing of the house phone, and my clock tells me it's 1.27 a.m. This house doesn't get called that often – especially not at 1.27 a.m. – so I know somethings wrong. And I could bet a year's pocket money that the calls about Kate. I could bet my left leg, actually.

It takes a few seconds for my body to get up, out of bed. Those seconds pass, almost in slow motion, and I feel very wrong. I realised that my hair smells different than usual, because tonight I used Kate's apple scented conditioner; I'd wanted to smell like her. I've goose-bumps on my arms, though it's an unusually warm night. I feel like I'm betraying Kate, because I've been snuggled up in bed while she's got cancer!

As I drag myself towards the staircase, my vision blurs and my legs are heavy. Because at the bottom of the stairs is something I've had nightmares about; at the bottom of the stairs is the moment, when blowing out birthday candles every year, I've wished would never come: my father, sobbing with the phone as far away from his ear as possible, as if distance would erase the message.

I can barely see him in the dim half-light of dawn, and I can only just make out my brother a few feet away from me. I hear Jesse say, as if he was actually standing inside my ear:

"Oh God. She's gone."

***

I think I fainted or something. Because I woke up in the car that I don't remember getting in; I don't remember getting my jacket or putting on shoes; I don't remember falling asleep for that matter. But I do remember the whisper of my brother's voice telling me what I'd already figured out. My sister was dead. And we were probably going to die too, because Jesse's driving the car at the frikkin' speed of light. I can hardly make out the trees as we pass them on the road, but I imagine the car wrapped around one. I tell him to slow down, tell him that the doctor's are probably wrong, and when we get there she'll be fine.

The horrible thing is: Even I don't believe that.

I want to believe it. I want to believe that this is a dream that I can't wake up from. I want to believe that this is an elaborate scheme; a vicious joke thought up by my mother as payback for what I put the family through. I hope it is because that wouldn't hurt me at all. Not like this will.

I can hear my heart beat in my ears as I walk towards the hospital doors. It's the only thing I can hear, though there are a lot of things going on around me, emergencies and whatnot. If I take a few steps inside the building, there'll be a door, titled "Intensive Care Unit"; on the other side of it is Kate's room. As I walk towards it, flanked by my dad and brother, it's like I've lost the ability to breath. I realise it's because the only way I can live, properly, is if Kate is alive with me…

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**Sooooooo**  
**Whaddya think?**

**I look forward to your comments :)**  
**xxx**


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